The whole world seems off kilter when I'm arguing with my husband. And here I sit at Caribou Coffee, blowing off some steam by typing so hard that the girl at the table next to me is convinced there are fire ants on my keys. As I glance to my left, I am impressed by Caribou's promotional coffee cups and how apt their inspirational jottings are for my day today. Scribbled across the bottom of my cup: "Be the first to apologize". Well, you know what, Caribou? I don't want to. Nope - instead I'd prefer sitting here, jamming my keyboard keys into my laptop and reminding myself of all the ways I'm right in this "nothing fight" of ours. My pity party is entertaining me quite aptly this afternoon and I see no need to leave on such short notice.
Ok - you've got me thinking. Nice work.
When did I become so dramatic? And when did I decide that I wasn't going to be the laid-back, selfless, loving, always-uplifting, anything-goes wife I was sure I'd be so long ago? When did I stop being thankful for my husband's unconditional love? The man leads me into each room by placing his hand on the small of my back. He makes me coffee on Sunday mornings. He does the dishes. He calls me "Hotstuff" more often then he calls me by my own name. He tells me how proud he is of me, how smart I am. He studies with me for college exams. He loves my family. He always - always - kisses me goodnight. He vacuums. He champions me. When did this not suffice as "Cherishing me"? I said to him today, "I just don't feel like you adore me". Do you want to know what we've spent an entire afternoon being in a "funk" about? We went to a fast food place for lunch and he didn't ask me - he just went there and parked. I felt I should have been asked…that it would have been more respectful. What a preposterous thing to fight about. Sometimes, I feel like I am just looking for a reason to fight - I'm looking for something, anything, that gives me the right to be mad at him. What is this? It is embarrassing to write these things, because - even as I write - I can see how ridiculous they are.
I'm reminded of the Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
The most entertaining part is "the strength to change the things I can" only applies to myself. I can't change my husband…nor should I. I can only change myself - my attitude, the way I respond to things, the way I react and whether I choose to respond the way I "feel" like responding or to respond in love. So, in all actuality, my Serenity Prayer goes something like this:
God, grant me the serenity to accept that I cannot change my husband (nor do I need to);
Courage to change myself (and an understanding of how and when to do that);
And wisdom to know the difference.
The best part is, He will. I'm done with my tea latte, I'm typing a little softer and I've been given a bit of a wake up call (thanks to my coffee cup). I'm going to go home and kiss my husband now. What a gift he is - and what a wonderful God that he lets me vent and then reminds me of what's really going on here.
Proverbs 14:1 - The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.
