Beautiful.

My favorite: it's a relative word in my world. Those closest to me find it funny that almost everything is "my favorite". I'm like a 2-year-old discovering life, at times... everything is wonderful - everything is beautiful.
As I sit here - feet propped up on the arm of this quirky purple couch, my brother's homemade Americano in my right hand and keyboard keys occupying my left, I'm thinking, "This is my favorite". On the floor (filling the entirety of this little living room) lie two wonderful friends. In the bedroom 20 feet away I can hear my brother and his precious, pregnant wife giggling as he wakes her up. All our feet are dirty from yesterday's busy explorations. We're all a little tired from our late night talk. The beautiful sticky-dirty life covers our sleepy faces. This is my favorite.
I want my life to be filled with "favorites" and "beautifuls". I never want those words to be mundane or to lose their meaning because of my over-use of them. But I want to love life so much that I can, in all honesty, express my adoration of ... almost everything... as my favorite. This is my favorite life - it's my only one - but it's my favorite.
In a mere 90 days I'm getting married. I couldn't be happier. It's a peaceful, deep-breath, can't- wait-for-life excitement that I don't know if I've ever really experienced before. I find myself taking deep breaths and letting out joy-saturated sighs all hours of the day. He's a wonderful, beautiful man. I couldn't create a better one if I had the opportunity. He is truly my favorite.
God is so full of grace and so abounding in love - I'm amazed. I love the way He teaches me - the way life comes at me in the right speed and is full of ebbs and flows. I want to be more - to be better. I don't know how, always, but I know I do. Sometimes this tension drives me crazy - but when I stop and think about it, I realize that this tension is the reason everything else is so beautiful and the desire to be more is the reason I'm able to be more...to grow. I'm a blessed woman. Blessed and fulfilled.
It's a beautiful life.

"Your love is overwhelming me."

These are words from lyrics to a worship song that I love.  I'm noticing there are more and more songs that I sing in worship that I speak more out of faith than out of truth.  This very line, for instance.  I know God loves me and His love is powerful enough to overwhelm me.  However, at this very moment in time I don't necessarily feel overwhelmed by His love.  This may be due to my lack of recognition, it may be that God is allowing me to go through a dry time so as to draw my heart nearer to Him.  Either way - these are words I sing by faith.  Please, God - overwhelm me with your love.

Life is weird right now.  Great, hard, bright, beautiful, drastic, drawn out, crazy, dry...and so much more.  I suppose if we really sat down and thought about it more often, life would always appear to hold an array of emotions and outcomes.  But right now, it seems especially awkward.  I see so much in the future that I've hoped for and at the same time look at it and wonder if it's really going to be all I hoped it would be.  I see life right now as this wonderful beautiful thing that I get to be a part of - and yet find myself wishing it away and desiring to be anywhere but here - at this stage.  I'm full of dichotomies.

I have this beautiful man.  He's my boyfriend.  "Boyfriend" - it feels like such a 14-year-old's word.  What I can't figure out is if it feels that way right now because I sense we're done with the "boyfriend" stage and should be on to something more.  Or if it's because that word has always seemed juvenile.  I don't know.  But, right now, it feels silly.  Nonetheless - this boyfriend of mine.  He's a precious, beautiful man.  He's smart, he's loving, and giving and deep.  His love for people is extravagant.  His love for me is precious.  But I will admit - I feel so often like his love for me is coached.  Unfortunately, the coach is none other than yours truly.  Sometimes it seems as though he can't move forward in loving me - or in taking the next step - without me suggesting it... or explaining my need for it.  Is this normal?  I think in some ways it makes him more wonderful - because he's looking so hard at me, thinking "What does she want?"  And then proceeds to wait for my cues to fulfill those desires.  But all at once, he is desiring to fulfill all my dreams while really not giving me what I want.  I want him.  Truly, honestly, the real deal, no holding back - not just giving me what I want - but seeking to bring me joy.  Not just joy brought by dreams coming true but joy brought by spontaneity, the unexpected and truth.  Honest to God, nothing hidden, "I'm all yours", T.R.U.T.H.

But maybe, just maybe, he's at the place with me that I am with God.  Some things aren't coming quite naturally.  So, right now it has to be spoken in faith.  One day, it will be spoken in truth.  I can hope.  And I'll continue living on - speaking by faith and speaking truth.  Loving and accepting love.

Hope deferred...

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life"  (Proverbs 13:12)

I feel as though I epitomize this verse.  At the moment, unfortunately, I seem to only fulfill the first half.  For a long time I blamed so many things.  But I am now learning that "hope deferred" only points to a problem with my own point of view.  Depending on where my hope is, it should really never be deferred.

It's amazing what happens when you hope - so longingly and desperately - for something.  It's ridiculous, really.  It begins to consume you - thoughts, emotions, decisions...  How is it that a longing for one thing can be so powerful?  And why can't I seem to choose what I long for so desperately?  My flesh seems to always choose... and win.  I really hate that.

I am shifting focus.  I have to.  I don't think it's possible to live life with your hope constantly deferred.  It's crushing.  It's honestly excruciating.  Eventually, I think a person would just crash.  But there is hope.  Jesus - my rock - is my hope.  If I put my hope, my desire... my longing in Him I am guaranteed hope fulfilled... my longing fulfilled.  Jesus is my tree of life.  When my hope is resting in Him I can fulfill the second half of that verse.  I want my life to epitomize that!  I want to live with a healthy, fulfilled heart.  One that is fueled by the tree of life.  I want to walk to the beat of my Father's heart.

I wish it was as easy as just saying it.  Wouldn't that be convenient.  But, no.  I now have the opportunity to change.  I can shift my focus and seek my Father with all that I am.  In doing so, I will not be disappointed.  I can't.  God will not break His word.  He can't.  He knows the plans He has for me - they are ones with hope and a future.  I will not be disappointed!  (Jer. 29:11-12)

It's hard when you look back and see that, somewhere along the line, you put Jesus into 2nd priority.  I'm realizing that now.  I never meant to.  But I don't think that's where it happens.  It doesn't happen when you mean to - it's trickier than that.  It happens when you don't expect it at all.  It takes work to keep Jesus as top priority - as your source and your life.  But the more we seek Him the more we find Him...the more we find Him the more we love Him.  It's a promise.  "If you seek me with all of your heart, you will find me."  He promises.

Thank God for hope.  What a beautiful promise.

Apparently, it's not supposed to be all about me.

Gosh, this learning stuff kind of bites sometimes.  Especially when I'm learning this humbling fact: I can be quite selfish.  The good thing, I guess, is that I'm catching myself in it.  Hopefully that means I'm going to change.  That's probably up to me, though, isn't it?  What helped me to recognize my random acts of selfishness was a conversation with...you guessed it... my bf.

He was running into a problem with something at work.  It was nothing huge, by any means, but we had talked about it and I threw out some ideas on ways it could be fixed.  He liked the ideas and is even putting some of them into action.  So, when the two of us were talking about the situation with my roommate the other night he explained the fix... but never acknowledged that I came up with it.  It kind of bugged me...I won't lie.

This is the part where I (should) slap myself.  Selfish much?  Who cares who came up with the idea... or if said person gets acknowledged.  It's not like I came up with a Nobel Prize-worthy solution, for goodness sake.  And it hit me... just like that...  Apparently, it's not supposed to be all about me.

But where's the tension?  Where is the line that I am supposed to tread between acting in complete selfishness and getting walked all over.  I mean, no worries - right now I'm dancing on the selfish side; I can't even see the line yet.  But when I reach it, how do I keep myself from becoming someone who has no personality, is weak and doesn't speak up for fear of sounding too selfish.  I guess I'll cross that bridge - or not cross it - when I reach it.

I feel like my friends and family are split into two on this issue.  Some are telling me, "Relationships are just hard.  Just love and don't think about yourself.  That selfless love will pay off with beautiful love in return."  While others assure me that, "You have to make sure you're okay and you can't always be worried about everyone else.  It's okay to be frustrated.  You can't be the perfect girlfriend."  Which one do I choose?  Or can I be both?  I'd really love to perfect this and walk the line between selfishness and selflessness.  But maybe there is no line to tread.  Maybe I should just be dancing on the selfless side - careless and assured that my Father will work things out.

It appears I've still got some learning to do.

I'm growing up.

First post.  This seems both intimidating and invigorating all at once.  I guess I should explain what this blog is intended for.  It's easy, really: me.

Sure, others may read it... and, if especially crafty, one might even figure out who I am.  But my main purpose here is to have a place to jot my thoughts.  Having a blog gives me a colorful, fun place to store them... other than my own head, of course.

Why now?  That's the question I'm asking myself.  Here's the answer I've found: I'm growing up.  It's bound to happen - I'm in my mid-twenties - it probably should have happened earlier.  So much is changing, so much of my life seems like one giant growing pain.  But the joys that stir into those pains are unreachable any other way.  Therefore, I'll enjoy the pains, knowing the extravagant outcome.

So... about me... without too much about me.  I don't know you... or maybe I do.  But either way - vagueness is bliss.  Me: I'm an exceptionally happy person.  But, I think too much.  The excessive thoughts sometimes try and intimidate the joys.  Growing up, I think, is learning how to let joy (and love) win.  I live in the midwest.  To say there is a lack of visually interesting landscape is an understatement.  But the Sunshine is a benefit.  I'm in a relationship... he's great... amazing actually.  I'm convinced he's also the source of many of these growing pains.  I suppose that's to be expected.  Boys and girls are different.  I learn this in a new way every day.  There's a good chance he'll pop up in a lot of blogs... our relationship also seems to be the well from which many of my excessive thoughts spring.  We have vastly different love languages... so being with him is kind of like learning a new language: exciting, rewarding, but (at times) hard work.  The benefits are wonderful and the rewards include growing in love and learning to love.  I work at a well known coffee shop and really love my job.  It's pretty new... so it's a learning experience. I have an incredible family - I am constantly spoiled with love, encouragement and blessings from them.  Unfortunately I don't live very close to them... so visits are big treats!  I'm a college student (I started late and therefore...at 24... still have 2 years left.  Wah wah).  But I love school - especially the fact that I get to be with people all day long.  I love people.

Okay... enough about me.  My first post is a small novel.  I'll be back soon with oodles of thoughts just bubbling forth.  It's a gorgeous day, I need to clean my kitchen and I definitely don't want to waste my day off (sunshine, not a cloud in the sky, 70 degrees) in front of a computer.