Apparently, it's not supposed to be all about me.

Gosh, this learning stuff kind of bites sometimes.  Especially when I'm learning this humbling fact: I can be quite selfish.  The good thing, I guess, is that I'm catching myself in it.  Hopefully that means I'm going to change.  That's probably up to me, though, isn't it?  What helped me to recognize my random acts of selfishness was a conversation with...you guessed it... my bf.

He was running into a problem with something at work.  It was nothing huge, by any means, but we had talked about it and I threw out some ideas on ways it could be fixed.  He liked the ideas and is even putting some of them into action.  So, when the two of us were talking about the situation with my roommate the other night he explained the fix... but never acknowledged that I came up with it.  It kind of bugged me...I won't lie.

This is the part where I (should) slap myself.  Selfish much?  Who cares who came up with the idea... or if said person gets acknowledged.  It's not like I came up with a Nobel Prize-worthy solution, for goodness sake.  And it hit me... just like that...  Apparently, it's not supposed to be all about me.

But where's the tension?  Where is the line that I am supposed to tread between acting in complete selfishness and getting walked all over.  I mean, no worries - right now I'm dancing on the selfish side; I can't even see the line yet.  But when I reach it, how do I keep myself from becoming someone who has no personality, is weak and doesn't speak up for fear of sounding too selfish.  I guess I'll cross that bridge - or not cross it - when I reach it.

I feel like my friends and family are split into two on this issue.  Some are telling me, "Relationships are just hard.  Just love and don't think about yourself.  That selfless love will pay off with beautiful love in return."  While others assure me that, "You have to make sure you're okay and you can't always be worried about everyone else.  It's okay to be frustrated.  You can't be the perfect girlfriend."  Which one do I choose?  Or can I be both?  I'd really love to perfect this and walk the line between selfishness and selflessness.  But maybe there is no line to tread.  Maybe I should just be dancing on the selfless side - careless and assured that my Father will work things out.

It appears I've still got some learning to do.

I'm growing up.

First post.  This seems both intimidating and invigorating all at once.  I guess I should explain what this blog is intended for.  It's easy, really: me.

Sure, others may read it... and, if especially crafty, one might even figure out who I am.  But my main purpose here is to have a place to jot my thoughts.  Having a blog gives me a colorful, fun place to store them... other than my own head, of course.

Why now?  That's the question I'm asking myself.  Here's the answer I've found: I'm growing up.  It's bound to happen - I'm in my mid-twenties - it probably should have happened earlier.  So much is changing, so much of my life seems like one giant growing pain.  But the joys that stir into those pains are unreachable any other way.  Therefore, I'll enjoy the pains, knowing the extravagant outcome.

So... about me... without too much about me.  I don't know you... or maybe I do.  But either way - vagueness is bliss.  Me: I'm an exceptionally happy person.  But, I think too much.  The excessive thoughts sometimes try and intimidate the joys.  Growing up, I think, is learning how to let joy (and love) win.  I live in the midwest.  To say there is a lack of visually interesting landscape is an understatement.  But the Sunshine is a benefit.  I'm in a relationship... he's great... amazing actually.  I'm convinced he's also the source of many of these growing pains.  I suppose that's to be expected.  Boys and girls are different.  I learn this in a new way every day.  There's a good chance he'll pop up in a lot of blogs... our relationship also seems to be the well from which many of my excessive thoughts spring.  We have vastly different love languages... so being with him is kind of like learning a new language: exciting, rewarding, but (at times) hard work.  The benefits are wonderful and the rewards include growing in love and learning to love.  I work at a well known coffee shop and really love my job.  It's pretty new... so it's a learning experience. I have an incredible family - I am constantly spoiled with love, encouragement and blessings from them.  Unfortunately I don't live very close to them... so visits are big treats!  I'm a college student (I started late and therefore...at 24... still have 2 years left.  Wah wah).  But I love school - especially the fact that I get to be with people all day long.  I love people.

Okay... enough about me.  My first post is a small novel.  I'll be back soon with oodles of thoughts just bubbling forth.  It's a gorgeous day, I need to clean my kitchen and I definitely don't want to waste my day off (sunshine, not a cloud in the sky, 70 degrees) in front of a computer.