"Your love is overwhelming me."

These are words from lyrics to a worship song that I love.  I'm noticing there are more and more songs that I sing in worship that I speak more out of faith than out of truth.  This very line, for instance.  I know God loves me and His love is powerful enough to overwhelm me.  However, at this very moment in time I don't necessarily feel overwhelmed by His love.  This may be due to my lack of recognition, it may be that God is allowing me to go through a dry time so as to draw my heart nearer to Him.  Either way - these are words I sing by faith.  Please, God - overwhelm me with your love.

Life is weird right now.  Great, hard, bright, beautiful, drastic, drawn out, crazy, dry...and so much more.  I suppose if we really sat down and thought about it more often, life would always appear to hold an array of emotions and outcomes.  But right now, it seems especially awkward.  I see so much in the future that I've hoped for and at the same time look at it and wonder if it's really going to be all I hoped it would be.  I see life right now as this wonderful beautiful thing that I get to be a part of - and yet find myself wishing it away and desiring to be anywhere but here - at this stage.  I'm full of dichotomies.

I have this beautiful man.  He's my boyfriend.  "Boyfriend" - it feels like such a 14-year-old's word.  What I can't figure out is if it feels that way right now because I sense we're done with the "boyfriend" stage and should be on to something more.  Or if it's because that word has always seemed juvenile.  I don't know.  But, right now, it feels silly.  Nonetheless - this boyfriend of mine.  He's a precious, beautiful man.  He's smart, he's loving, and giving and deep.  His love for people is extravagant.  His love for me is precious.  But I will admit - I feel so often like his love for me is coached.  Unfortunately, the coach is none other than yours truly.  Sometimes it seems as though he can't move forward in loving me - or in taking the next step - without me suggesting it... or explaining my need for it.  Is this normal?  I think in some ways it makes him more wonderful - because he's looking so hard at me, thinking "What does she want?"  And then proceeds to wait for my cues to fulfill those desires.  But all at once, he is desiring to fulfill all my dreams while really not giving me what I want.  I want him.  Truly, honestly, the real deal, no holding back - not just giving me what I want - but seeking to bring me joy.  Not just joy brought by dreams coming true but joy brought by spontaneity, the unexpected and truth.  Honest to God, nothing hidden, "I'm all yours", T.R.U.T.H.

But maybe, just maybe, he's at the place with me that I am with God.  Some things aren't coming quite naturally.  So, right now it has to be spoken in faith.  One day, it will be spoken in truth.  I can hope.  And I'll continue living on - speaking by faith and speaking truth.  Loving and accepting love.

Hope deferred...

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life"  (Proverbs 13:12)

I feel as though I epitomize this verse.  At the moment, unfortunately, I seem to only fulfill the first half.  For a long time I blamed so many things.  But I am now learning that "hope deferred" only points to a problem with my own point of view.  Depending on where my hope is, it should really never be deferred.

It's amazing what happens when you hope - so longingly and desperately - for something.  It's ridiculous, really.  It begins to consume you - thoughts, emotions, decisions...  How is it that a longing for one thing can be so powerful?  And why can't I seem to choose what I long for so desperately?  My flesh seems to always choose... and win.  I really hate that.

I am shifting focus.  I have to.  I don't think it's possible to live life with your hope constantly deferred.  It's crushing.  It's honestly excruciating.  Eventually, I think a person would just crash.  But there is hope.  Jesus - my rock - is my hope.  If I put my hope, my desire... my longing in Him I am guaranteed hope fulfilled... my longing fulfilled.  Jesus is my tree of life.  When my hope is resting in Him I can fulfill the second half of that verse.  I want my life to epitomize that!  I want to live with a healthy, fulfilled heart.  One that is fueled by the tree of life.  I want to walk to the beat of my Father's heart.

I wish it was as easy as just saying it.  Wouldn't that be convenient.  But, no.  I now have the opportunity to change.  I can shift my focus and seek my Father with all that I am.  In doing so, I will not be disappointed.  I can't.  God will not break His word.  He can't.  He knows the plans He has for me - they are ones with hope and a future.  I will not be disappointed!  (Jer. 29:11-12)

It's hard when you look back and see that, somewhere along the line, you put Jesus into 2nd priority.  I'm realizing that now.  I never meant to.  But I don't think that's where it happens.  It doesn't happen when you mean to - it's trickier than that.  It happens when you don't expect it at all.  It takes work to keep Jesus as top priority - as your source and your life.  But the more we seek Him the more we find Him...the more we find Him the more we love Him.  It's a promise.  "If you seek me with all of your heart, you will find me."  He promises.

Thank God for hope.  What a beautiful promise.