"Your love is overwhelming me."

These are words from lyrics to a worship song that I love.  I'm noticing there are more and more songs that I sing in worship that I speak more out of faith than out of truth.  This very line, for instance.  I know God loves me and His love is powerful enough to overwhelm me.  However, at this very moment in time I don't necessarily feel overwhelmed by His love.  This may be due to my lack of recognition, it may be that God is allowing me to go through a dry time so as to draw my heart nearer to Him.  Either way - these are words I sing by faith.  Please, God - overwhelm me with your love.

Life is weird right now.  Great, hard, bright, beautiful, drastic, drawn out, crazy, dry...and so much more.  I suppose if we really sat down and thought about it more often, life would always appear to hold an array of emotions and outcomes.  But right now, it seems especially awkward.  I see so much in the future that I've hoped for and at the same time look at it and wonder if it's really going to be all I hoped it would be.  I see life right now as this wonderful beautiful thing that I get to be a part of - and yet find myself wishing it away and desiring to be anywhere but here - at this stage.  I'm full of dichotomies.

I have this beautiful man.  He's my boyfriend.  "Boyfriend" - it feels like such a 14-year-old's word.  What I can't figure out is if it feels that way right now because I sense we're done with the "boyfriend" stage and should be on to something more.  Or if it's because that word has always seemed juvenile.  I don't know.  But, right now, it feels silly.  Nonetheless - this boyfriend of mine.  He's a precious, beautiful man.  He's smart, he's loving, and giving and deep.  His love for people is extravagant.  His love for me is precious.  But I will admit - I feel so often like his love for me is coached.  Unfortunately, the coach is none other than yours truly.  Sometimes it seems as though he can't move forward in loving me - or in taking the next step - without me suggesting it... or explaining my need for it.  Is this normal?  I think in some ways it makes him more wonderful - because he's looking so hard at me, thinking "What does she want?"  And then proceeds to wait for my cues to fulfill those desires.  But all at once, he is desiring to fulfill all my dreams while really not giving me what I want.  I want him.  Truly, honestly, the real deal, no holding back - not just giving me what I want - but seeking to bring me joy.  Not just joy brought by dreams coming true but joy brought by spontaneity, the unexpected and truth.  Honest to God, nothing hidden, "I'm all yours", T.R.U.T.H.

But maybe, just maybe, he's at the place with me that I am with God.  Some things aren't coming quite naturally.  So, right now it has to be spoken in faith.  One day, it will be spoken in truth.  I can hope.  And I'll continue living on - speaking by faith and speaking truth.  Loving and accepting love.