Christian.

Before I post my next entry, I want to talk about my most recent post (Christian?). I haven't popped on the site in a while and when I did this morning, I read through that post again. As I did, I noticed something: there's a hint of judgment present. This is never my desire - "Just lest not you be judged". I am no one to judge, it's not my place, my responsibility, my desire or even, ultimately, my ability.
What is humbling about that post is that, in my heart, I had no desire to place judgment and yet - months down the road - when I read it from the outside, I see the undertones. This brings to my attention the fact that I can be judgmental and possibly even hurtful without trying to be. It makes me realize how much I have to rely on Jesus to be like Jesus. Only He can point out to me those little hints and undertones of emotions I never intended to hold in the first place.

I really love the way Father God works... gently and lovingly changing my views... molding my thoughts... growing my understanding. I am seeing more clearly that these two groups I mentioned in my "Christian?" post are possibly just two parts of the body of Christ as opposed to two sides of the fence. Just as we are all called to "one hope, one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all" (Eph. 4:4-5) We are the body of Christ and we are called to be one body. So maybe these two "types" of Christians are really two parts of the body that God uses for different purposes within the body of Christ and to call others to Him.

I realize more and more every day that I know fewer and fewer of the answers. That just means there is so much more growing to do - which is exciting. I love God's gentle reminders to leave judgment and criticism at the door. I am to be clothed in Love because I, also, am covered by His love and saved only by His grace.

Thank you, Jesus.

"I want you to get out there and walk - better yet, run!- on the road God called you to travel. I don't want any of you sitting around on your hands. I don't want anyone strolling off, down some path that goes nowhere. And mark that you do this with humility and discipline - not in fits and starts, but steadily, pouring yourselves out for each other in acts of love, alert at noticing differences and quick at mending fences. You were all called to travel on the same road and in the same direction, so stay together, both outwardly and inwardly. You have one Master, on faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who rules over all, works through all, and is present in all. Everything you are and think and do is permeated with Oneness. But that doesn't mean you should all look and speak and act the same. Out of the generosity of Christ, each of us is given his own gift."
Ephesians 4:2-7 (The Message//Remix)

Christian?

Something has been on my mind for the last 6 months or more... I can't quite get it all figured out... but here is where I'm at:

What does it look like – in life – to be a Christian? I know I’m tackling a big subject and I don’t expect to ever quite fully understand it. I feel, however, that I should have an understanding of what side of the fence I am supposed to be on. There are 2 (if not 2 million) groups who, called Christians, live very differently – their focuses are much different. I am drawn to one side of the fence… the one I do believe shows a far better representation of Christ… but I don’t want to lose sight of some of the essential truths held by those living on the other side.

There is the group I have found familiar and whom, I know, is living for Jesus. I know this is what matters, which is why I am not here debating which of the groups is “saved” – but which one is more representative of our Savior and the way He wants us to live. First, let’s talk about the people who, when you think of “Church” in America, are standing in the picture that pops in your head. They don’t do anything “minimally” – big worship, big churches, big events, big groups of friends (where you “know” everyone, but you don’t know anyone all that well), big, Big, BIG. But, along with this “mega” concept comes some MEGA contributions – huge amounts of money going into missions, huge differences made in communities, massive amounts of opportunity for those searching for truth, and some seriously mega confidence and boldness in telling people about Jesus.

Now let’s talk about the other side. The people living on this side of the fence are living a life that just “is” Christian. Smaller churches (sometimes...not always), smaller groups of friends... lots of friends, but the gatherings are sometimes smaller – close knit and loving. Nobody has closed doors but things just seem to naturally remain personal. Life isn’t full of huge events where millions are saved – but small parties, intimate coffee chats, movie nights and dance parties - where lives are slowly changed. Love is the rule of thumb and acceptance is natural – and real. Relationships are built and remain long term. This is the group I want to find myself in and the one I am more drawn to; the one who, in my mind, more closely represents Jesus.

So, where’s the problem and what is the discussion? It seems like, when I commit to the relationship-based view of Christianity, “talking” about Jesus is less of a norm. This isn’t the case for everyone else living this way, but for me. I don’t find that I ever really talk about Jesus, what He is doing in my life or how much others need him – to people who aren’t Christians. I talk about it often with other Christian friends– it consumes many conversations. But, I don’t find myself talking to non-Christians about Jesus. When I do, all I think about is the “Big” way of doing things. It’s like talking to others about Jesus automatically connects to “mega-church” and transfers me from “being” like Jesus to “acting” like Jesus. This isn’t true – we are supposed to talk about Jesus, aren’t we? At the same time, I know that the relationship side of it is where God’s heart is and where the action takes place. But where is the middle ground? I always think about one of my favorite quotes of all time. St. Francis of Assisi said, "Preach the gospel at all times -- If necessary, use words." This is the way I want to walk – the way I want to live my Christian life. And, although living the Word is the main focus, I don’t want to be afraid to use words when necessary.

God, help me to figure this all out. Where is the middle ground? Help me not to judge those who don’t walk the way I do and help me to understand the way you want us to walk as Christians. Lead me and guide me. I want to be like you.

Glorious Rebellion.

I love fresh starts!  It's 2009... isn't that exciting?!  This year seems so different than any other year... so unorganized and messy.  But SO beautiful!  Mixing two lives and squishing them into one home takes some serious organization skills...among other things.  But it is so wonderful and so incredible!  I love it.

My husband of exactly 48 glorious days and I moved in to our new apartment right after the honeymoon.  Life has been busy and crazy and seemingly non-stop.  It has been wonderful.  Life is shifting a bit, it seems.  I used to be so organized and so on top of things.  I always started the new year with a brand new journal and on the first I'd write down all my resolutions and hopes and dreams for the year.  I'd spend the last couple days of the year cleaning out the old and getting ready for the new.  This year?  Well, I haven't written in my 2008 journal in about a month and I haven't even shopped for a new one.

Normally this would bother me, but I'm not bothered one bit.  Yes, I do plan on going and getting that journal and taking the time to write down all my hopes and dreams and all that good stuff.  But I've spent this year doing something beautiful... instead of just writing it down I've shared all my hopes and dreams.  The precious man I get to call my own has sat down with me.  We've spilled it all - the good, the bad and the ugly: what we didn't like about last year, what we hope for this year, what we want to change and what we hope will always be the same.

I love this new, wonderful life.  The way God does things - it's so perfect.  Our lives have merged together and there are lots of little bumps in the road - but they're exciting.  I get to share forever with this gift.  I love that God isn't this stuffy, stuck up guy looking down and shaming me for my lack of organization.  Instead, he's allowing me the freedom to grow - in love, in life, in beauty.

Sure, I hope to get things organized and (I won't lie) I can't wait for the day when there's a place for everything and everything is in its place - that will be great.  I can't wait until I have things scheduled and written out and organized and in place.  But right now, I'm growing in the beauty of this mess.  It's a glorious rebellion.

Thank God for helping me to stand against the norm.  I have an incredible savior.

Beautiful.

My favorite: it's a relative word in my world. Those closest to me find it funny that almost everything is "my favorite". I'm like a 2-year-old discovering life, at times... everything is wonderful - everything is beautiful.
As I sit here - feet propped up on the arm of this quirky purple couch, my brother's homemade Americano in my right hand and keyboard keys occupying my left, I'm thinking, "This is my favorite". On the floor (filling the entirety of this little living room) lie two wonderful friends. In the bedroom 20 feet away I can hear my brother and his precious, pregnant wife giggling as he wakes her up. All our feet are dirty from yesterday's busy explorations. We're all a little tired from our late night talk. The beautiful sticky-dirty life covers our sleepy faces. This is my favorite.
I want my life to be filled with "favorites" and "beautifuls". I never want those words to be mundane or to lose their meaning because of my over-use of them. But I want to love life so much that I can, in all honesty, express my adoration of ... almost everything... as my favorite. This is my favorite life - it's my only one - but it's my favorite.
In a mere 90 days I'm getting married. I couldn't be happier. It's a peaceful, deep-breath, can't- wait-for-life excitement that I don't know if I've ever really experienced before. I find myself taking deep breaths and letting out joy-saturated sighs all hours of the day. He's a wonderful, beautiful man. I couldn't create a better one if I had the opportunity. He is truly my favorite.
God is so full of grace and so abounding in love - I'm amazed. I love the way He teaches me - the way life comes at me in the right speed and is full of ebbs and flows. I want to be more - to be better. I don't know how, always, but I know I do. Sometimes this tension drives me crazy - but when I stop and think about it, I realize that this tension is the reason everything else is so beautiful and the desire to be more is the reason I'm able to be more...to grow. I'm a blessed woman. Blessed and fulfilled.
It's a beautiful life.

"Your love is overwhelming me."

These are words from lyrics to a worship song that I love.  I'm noticing there are more and more songs that I sing in worship that I speak more out of faith than out of truth.  This very line, for instance.  I know God loves me and His love is powerful enough to overwhelm me.  However, at this very moment in time I don't necessarily feel overwhelmed by His love.  This may be due to my lack of recognition, it may be that God is allowing me to go through a dry time so as to draw my heart nearer to Him.  Either way - these are words I sing by faith.  Please, God - overwhelm me with your love.

Life is weird right now.  Great, hard, bright, beautiful, drastic, drawn out, crazy, dry...and so much more.  I suppose if we really sat down and thought about it more often, life would always appear to hold an array of emotions and outcomes.  But right now, it seems especially awkward.  I see so much in the future that I've hoped for and at the same time look at it and wonder if it's really going to be all I hoped it would be.  I see life right now as this wonderful beautiful thing that I get to be a part of - and yet find myself wishing it away and desiring to be anywhere but here - at this stage.  I'm full of dichotomies.

I have this beautiful man.  He's my boyfriend.  "Boyfriend" - it feels like such a 14-year-old's word.  What I can't figure out is if it feels that way right now because I sense we're done with the "boyfriend" stage and should be on to something more.  Or if it's because that word has always seemed juvenile.  I don't know.  But, right now, it feels silly.  Nonetheless - this boyfriend of mine.  He's a precious, beautiful man.  He's smart, he's loving, and giving and deep.  His love for people is extravagant.  His love for me is precious.  But I will admit - I feel so often like his love for me is coached.  Unfortunately, the coach is none other than yours truly.  Sometimes it seems as though he can't move forward in loving me - or in taking the next step - without me suggesting it... or explaining my need for it.  Is this normal?  I think in some ways it makes him more wonderful - because he's looking so hard at me, thinking "What does she want?"  And then proceeds to wait for my cues to fulfill those desires.  But all at once, he is desiring to fulfill all my dreams while really not giving me what I want.  I want him.  Truly, honestly, the real deal, no holding back - not just giving me what I want - but seeking to bring me joy.  Not just joy brought by dreams coming true but joy brought by spontaneity, the unexpected and truth.  Honest to God, nothing hidden, "I'm all yours", T.R.U.T.H.

But maybe, just maybe, he's at the place with me that I am with God.  Some things aren't coming quite naturally.  So, right now it has to be spoken in faith.  One day, it will be spoken in truth.  I can hope.  And I'll continue living on - speaking by faith and speaking truth.  Loving and accepting love.

Hope deferred...

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life"  (Proverbs 13:12)

I feel as though I epitomize this verse.  At the moment, unfortunately, I seem to only fulfill the first half.  For a long time I blamed so many things.  But I am now learning that "hope deferred" only points to a problem with my own point of view.  Depending on where my hope is, it should really never be deferred.

It's amazing what happens when you hope - so longingly and desperately - for something.  It's ridiculous, really.  It begins to consume you - thoughts, emotions, decisions...  How is it that a longing for one thing can be so powerful?  And why can't I seem to choose what I long for so desperately?  My flesh seems to always choose... and win.  I really hate that.

I am shifting focus.  I have to.  I don't think it's possible to live life with your hope constantly deferred.  It's crushing.  It's honestly excruciating.  Eventually, I think a person would just crash.  But there is hope.  Jesus - my rock - is my hope.  If I put my hope, my desire... my longing in Him I am guaranteed hope fulfilled... my longing fulfilled.  Jesus is my tree of life.  When my hope is resting in Him I can fulfill the second half of that verse.  I want my life to epitomize that!  I want to live with a healthy, fulfilled heart.  One that is fueled by the tree of life.  I want to walk to the beat of my Father's heart.

I wish it was as easy as just saying it.  Wouldn't that be convenient.  But, no.  I now have the opportunity to change.  I can shift my focus and seek my Father with all that I am.  In doing so, I will not be disappointed.  I can't.  God will not break His word.  He can't.  He knows the plans He has for me - they are ones with hope and a future.  I will not be disappointed!  (Jer. 29:11-12)

It's hard when you look back and see that, somewhere along the line, you put Jesus into 2nd priority.  I'm realizing that now.  I never meant to.  But I don't think that's where it happens.  It doesn't happen when you mean to - it's trickier than that.  It happens when you don't expect it at all.  It takes work to keep Jesus as top priority - as your source and your life.  But the more we seek Him the more we find Him...the more we find Him the more we love Him.  It's a promise.  "If you seek me with all of your heart, you will find me."  He promises.

Thank God for hope.  What a beautiful promise.

Apparently, it's not supposed to be all about me.

Gosh, this learning stuff kind of bites sometimes.  Especially when I'm learning this humbling fact: I can be quite selfish.  The good thing, I guess, is that I'm catching myself in it.  Hopefully that means I'm going to change.  That's probably up to me, though, isn't it?  What helped me to recognize my random acts of selfishness was a conversation with...you guessed it... my bf.

He was running into a problem with something at work.  It was nothing huge, by any means, but we had talked about it and I threw out some ideas on ways it could be fixed.  He liked the ideas and is even putting some of them into action.  So, when the two of us were talking about the situation with my roommate the other night he explained the fix... but never acknowledged that I came up with it.  It kind of bugged me...I won't lie.

This is the part where I (should) slap myself.  Selfish much?  Who cares who came up with the idea... or if said person gets acknowledged.  It's not like I came up with a Nobel Prize-worthy solution, for goodness sake.  And it hit me... just like that...  Apparently, it's not supposed to be all about me.

But where's the tension?  Where is the line that I am supposed to tread between acting in complete selfishness and getting walked all over.  I mean, no worries - right now I'm dancing on the selfish side; I can't even see the line yet.  But when I reach it, how do I keep myself from becoming someone who has no personality, is weak and doesn't speak up for fear of sounding too selfish.  I guess I'll cross that bridge - or not cross it - when I reach it.

I feel like my friends and family are split into two on this issue.  Some are telling me, "Relationships are just hard.  Just love and don't think about yourself.  That selfless love will pay off with beautiful love in return."  While others assure me that, "You have to make sure you're okay and you can't always be worried about everyone else.  It's okay to be frustrated.  You can't be the perfect girlfriend."  Which one do I choose?  Or can I be both?  I'd really love to perfect this and walk the line between selfishness and selflessness.  But maybe there is no line to tread.  Maybe I should just be dancing on the selfless side - careless and assured that my Father will work things out.

It appears I've still got some learning to do.